Folks, in another life I worked in building maintenance at a university. One morning, I was tweaking the air-conditioning system in the ceiling above a conference room where a large meeting was being held.
Apparently, the audience didn’t like stewing in 30+ degree heat in a room with sealed windows.
Sooks.
Long story short, I crawled backwards out of the ceiling space and placed my foot on top of the ladder just as someone moved it, for some reason?!
To my horror, I wound up dangling out of the manhole before falling into the room.
On the floor, I did a quick check for broken limbs and was delighted to find I wasn’t going to need hospitalisation (where certain death awaited; don’t get me started on the horror story of our hospital!)
Leaping to my feet, I gasped, “Holy Shit! Nearly killed myself then!”
The room went quiet as every head turned to look at me and the temperature plummeted significantly, and not just because the A/c had kicked in.
Looking round, I saw a large sign:
Suicide Prevention Awareness Conference
And that was just one of the cheerful memories my brain replayed early Tuesday morning while trying to enjoy my coffee and watch the sunrise.
There was much more.
Similar stuff I’m not particularly proud of and, after a few minutes, I gave up and tottered off to make breakfast, muttering, “Thanks Brain. Oh, thanks a lot. Way to go mate!”
Later, I checked online to ask why my mind occasionally does this to me and was delighted to find I’m not alone! Apparently, (according to both AI bots I asked) lots of us ‘enjoy’ memory reels of introspective ruminations, i.e.: our memories occasionally like to belittle us, free of charge, from time to time by replaying the lowlights of our less than finest life moments and memories.
Anyway, I’d like to think it’s because our minds want to show us how far we’ve come, how much more enlightened we are, or how we’ve learned vital, valuable lessons in how to, or not to, react, reply or act in order to avoid making similar screw ups in future.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Fat flaming chance
Note: I typed the word ‘flaming’ there, instead of the other ‘F’ word, which I once involuntarily yelled the day someone pushed back in a chair and hit me hard in the balls... in church.
Sadly, I suspect the opposite is true.
Our brains like making us feel guilty whenever we relax, and the Lowlight Reel is one way of motivating us to stop lolling about and get on with something more productive (honestly, how dare we take time out for our selfish selves, right?!)
Plus, a lot of us have hardwired, inbuilt, never-fail, ‘Embarrassment Self Destruct Buttons’. So, no matter what lessons you’ve learned, or how hard you try, sooner or later, you’re going to find yourself, once again, at the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons.
And never doubt your mind will keep the ‘film’ of that memory in hi-res, dazzling technicolor, in a special archive (which never gets deleted) to be re-played at inappropriate times in order to ‘cheer you up’.
Hopefully, that’s the worst that will happen to you.
And later, you’ll merely be a bit embarrassed and not be living on the run from an pitchfork waving mob, the authorities, a wild-eyed Ex, an aggrieved pet or a pissed off store Santa and elf (don’t ask!)
Or worse.
Get financially or socially ruined, be kicked off your team, out of your club, job, state or country, or have to fend off an overly apologetic Pastors’ wife insisting it wouldn’t be too much trouble at all to hold some ice on your bruised genitals.
So, limping off, shamefaced, from a room full of stunned people during the tea break at a suicide awareness conference would barely register on the ol’ Humiliation Scale:
And, if you really come to terms with it, you’ll have a chuckle and write an essay about it.
Life, in all its’ mind-numbing glory, goes on…