Folks, I have no doubt the nice auditors at the tax office will be extremely keen to run their magnifying glasses over the ledgers marked ‘Income’ and ‘Expenses’ from our recent tour down south. But, right now, I’m not so keen to go through the bulging paper bag of receipts I kept stuffed in the glovebox while we were away.
Look, I’ll agree it’s not the best tax filing system, but it’s slightly better than this:
Anyway, instead of sitting down with a strong coffee and going through the accounts, I’m currently doing what I do best, procrastinating.
Well, not quite.
We’ve been home since Friday afternoon and this peaceful Sunday morning is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and put together some thoughts about our tour, while Doll enjoys a well-earned sleep in.
So,
Was it Worth It?
A: Yes! And no…
You see, I’ve always looked on life like this:
And adventures, as Mr. Tolkien advised us, are not always glamorous or easy. Adventures are avoided by those who like routine, safety, security and regular meals.
They are usually sought by those seeking novelty, a way out of breaking the humdrum of daily existence or wanting to discover what’s around the next corner.
They are also transformative.
So, to get to the point, as a way of earning $ a-picking and a-singing, we’d have probably made more bucks toiling in the many farms along the way (and got to stuff our dials with citrus while we did. Bonus!)
But viewed from a different angle, we got to go to some wonderful places, catch up with old friends, make some new ones and share our talents (mostly Dolls’ considerable talent) with very appreciative audiences.
It’s a dream come true!
Plus, we even got paid by grateful festival organisers to dress up and show off on stage:
Better yet, once our sets were done, we’d hang around and get to see some amazing shows and dance up a storm.
Happy Days!
Plus, it’s the only job outside being a professional wine taster, or career politician, where you can enjoy a drink while you ‘toil’.
But not too many…
So, What Did We Learn?
Lets’ start with logistics:
Petrol Prices
Thanks to travelling light-ish, we used just on ten litres per 100 km (28 mpg) while towing the camper. Our little Nissan Cashcow usually sips around seven litres per 100km (40 mpg) when it’s not burdened with our musical luggage.
But even this frugal fuel usage dented our wallets at the pumps as fuel prices averaged $2.45 per litre. I haven’t done the final calculations yet, but the petrol bill should be on the sunny side of $1600 for the entire trip. Roughly $300 more than I’d initially budgeted for prior to Donny’s Operation Epstein Distraction in Iran.
Still, on several occasions, I did feel like getting on my knees and thanking Octane, the little deity of fossil fuels, that we weren’t forced to use diesel, which sat just shy of the $3 p/litre mark at most places west of the Great Divide.
For those of you playing along in the US, that’s nearly $12 a gallon kids, still think you’re being robbed at the pump?
Accommodation
Even though we dragged our home behind us, at the two festivals we were given free lodgings.
Washing machines! Space! Refrigeration! Heat! Our own toilet and bathroom! Free tea and coffee!
Luxury!
When we weren’t being pampered, we stayed in the camper. It was warm and comfy and we were guaranteed a safe, dry place to sleep at night wherever we went. On previous trips, just finding a vacant motel room at the end of each day, even when we’d pre-booked weeks in advance, could be a bit hit and miss.
And, back then, it killed our budget paying in excess of $200 a night for a basic room in a Besser Block Palace built in the 1960’s.
I don’t want to think what they’re currently charging now, especially if they’re tacking on a variety of eye-watering surcharge.
Because, on this trip, the only time my wallet winced was at a caravan park when we were told the price for a powered site was double ($96!) because, ‘it’s school holidays’.
I asked if park attendants would be setting up our van.
Apparently not.
I wanted to inform the manager we would only pay $50 because we’d be charging them for our interpretive dance display outside the toilet block later that night.
Honestly, if you’re going to make shit up to charge tourists a bullshit price, at least make it funny!
Camp Kitchens and Dunnies
Were well stocked, clean and we didn’t lose a single toothpick in the community fridge. The toilets? Well, my gift for striding into cubicles just vacated by a diarrhoeic hippo remains intact. Otherwise, they were clean and well cared for.
Fines
It’s early days, but I don’t think we picked up any speeding, parking or jaywalking fines. But, I’ll monitor the letterbox over the coming weeks.
Also, worringly, because it was ‘School Holidays’, ‘Public Holidays’ or ‘the Gibbous Moon was waxing in the east’, fines were doubled for motoring infractions.
Is it just me, or is there a concerted effort to raid the bank accounts of family’s travelling these days?
Rain
Queensland needs it while NSW and Victoria are water-logged.
Potholes
Everyone warned us about Victoria’s diabolically horrendous potholes which the state government and councils can’t afford to repair because the ‘budget is broke’.
And, while we did experience a few denture loosening bumps on Vic’s highways and byways, we’re from rural Queensland, so it was pretty much business as usual for us as we merrily slalomed around the ruts, fissures and canyons.
Note: I don’t know who’s responsible for building and repairing NSW’s pretty amazing roads, but they need to come to the Sunshine State and build/fix our rural roads. When they’re done, I’ll big-heartedly point them in the direction of Victoria.
Politics
State -
There’s an almost visceral hatred of the current Victorian Labor government. I heard numerous times that Dan and Jacinta needed to be jailed. For what remains unclear, but many people were quite passionate about locking them up.
Federal -
‘Albosleazy’ and Chalmers are out of touch. They’re also to blame for the diabolical price hike in petrol.
When I pointed out it wasn’t Australia’s PM who bombed Iran, this was brushed aside. ‘He could do more!’ When I asked specifically ‘What?’, it was universally acknowledged that we should be getting rid of ‘woke’ renewable projects and digging up more gas and oil for domestic use. There were a few nuclear advocates, but none of them were keen to buy electric vehicles.
Pauline
No matter what the nations’ ills, One Nation was unanimously touted as ‘The Answer’. To which I’d reply, ‘Sure, if the question is: How would you vote to completely destroy Australia?’
Nobody laughed.
Several times I was told, ‘The other two parties have no idea, or are too corrupt. Pauline will sort things out.’
A bartender we met was more honest. “Look, she’s Gina’s bitch, but we need to shake up the system mate! Just put her in for one term so the others’ get the message.”
A pensioner we chatted with thought the same. “She’s just as bad as the others, but at least she’s pulling them in the right direction on immigration. Look at all the Chinese and Indians in our shops now! In the service stations! Everywhere!”
True, we didn’t see a single person behind the counter in all the service stations we used who wasn’t from the sub-continent.
A farmer I struck up a conversation with added, “We need overseas fruit pickers because Australian workers are too lazy and want to get paid too much.”
“Why not let the overseas workers stay then?” I asked.
He shrugged, “They’ll go on the dole and have ten kids like all the other bludgers Labor have let in. Then they’ll send for the rest of their family members.”
A busker I met was more philosophical about migration. “They keep telling us we need skilled workers, but most of the jobs being taken are those of unskilled workers. Cleaners, taxi drivers, labourers, shopkeepers and the like. The middle-class jobs aren’t being overrun by cheap labour.”
Anyway,
Back to the Music
So, the whole point of this exercise was for Doll to show me the other big music festival outside of Tamworth (and have a bit of a holiday).
Mildura Country Music Festival was impressive. Recently re-launched by tireless volunteers who went above and beyond, there’s been a little political argy bargy between two competing festivals in the same town, at the same time; one being run by a local caravan park where the entertainers are contracted to stay and perform on their stage, and not to perform elsewhere.
Then there was the main festival which we were in, and the venues were scattered around the district.
As it should be. Nothing like sharing the musical love.
So, we got to play in pubs, clubs, outdoor venues, parks and a woolshed. It was a hoot!
For a Queenslander, doing shows in a different state each day was a bit quirky.
At each gig we caught up with our Festie Besties, the people who made a point of turning up to our shows and dancing their feet off.
The venues supplied the sound systems which saved us from having to cart even more gear to set up and pack down several times a day.
There was enough time between shows for a little sight-seeing and to catch some other acts. Saw some crackers too!
At this point, I realised we were Nostalgia Wayfarers, taking people back to a time when their knees and backs didn’t hurt, and they were young, carefree and happy.
The Low Down
The Youth of Today
Notably absent were the young ‘uns under the age of 50.
Except at one show, at a pub, when we were delighted to see a group of kids bouncing about in front of the stage and the nearby playground as we performed. Afterwards, they cheerfully helped cart our gear back to the car. I admire that sort of keenness!
Every performer we spoke to agreed the missing youth is going to be a problem in the not-too-distant future. I asked if it was because the only people with expendable cash these days are the aging Boomers, but nobody really knew.
For most families, with two working parents and kids, or single parents, just travelling to a festival, finding accommodation, food, drinks etc. is a pretty big expense. That’s before you factor in the cost of tickets, buying merch etc., so I get it.
‘It was not always thus!’, I was told more than once. But what the answer is to get young people and families back to listen to, or join in, live entertainment remains a mystery.
Technical Issues
Stuff goes wrong. A lot. We overcome. The Show Goes On!
We met some very talented sound techs, notably Col Thomson in Tooleybuc, who has a magical touch with the sound board and Anthony Tenace in Mildura who set up all the venues music systems AND even managed to get enough volume into my mic during the Kenny Rogers set so the audience could hear me singing and speaking between songs!
That, my friends, is worth mentioning because this skill appears to be rarer than rocking horse shit in most of the venues we’ve played at in recent years. While Dolls’ vocals can be heard clearly in the next suburb, people in the front row of our shows are straining to hear my warblings.
It is seriously demoralising to spend so much time practicing and learning all the various nuances of Kenny’s unique voice only to find the audience can only hear you mumbling on stage; at best.
So, I doff my cap sir!
Right now, I’m currently toying with a) simply giving up the Kenny Rogers tribute act, or b) carting my own PA system just for my personal microphone and setting it up at a decibel level that will rearrange the hair of everyone sitting in the front five rows when I announce, “TEST! TEST! TEST! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!”
The Wrap Up
It was, seriously, a lot of Fun!
Really, so much fun.
Well, not all the time, nothing’s that much fun.
There were ‘moments’.
A few tantrums, a little foot stamping, some sulking (with extra pouting) and the occasional cross word. But Doll waited for me to calm down, then we carried on as our usual happy go lucky selves.
We met a lot of great people, enjoyed hearing the yarns, got to push some musical boundaries, sang along with other performers, visited some really nice places, created some amazing memories, caught up with some family and thoroughly enjoyed the entire experience except for several moments of nut shrivelling terror on our nations’ highways and byways.
Seriously, what is it about wild, windy, rainy weather that makes some drivers want to take utterly insane risks?
But, we arrived home safely, a little flogged out from all the driving, but happy to be alive, in one piece and the car’s still running (and currently enjoying having today off).
Would We Do It Again?
Tricky.
We have a few more shows coming up. A Rotary gig in town, then some shows in Lismore in November, Caloundra for New Years before tootling off to Tamworth in January for the big, mid-summer festival there (must work out how to air-condition our little camper tent?)
But Mildura in 2027?
It’s a long way there and back, and I can’t see fuel prices coming down anytime soon. Logistically, the only way to do a long tour like this is to work our way down, then back home again.
Just like the old time troubadours did back in the day, racking up massive kilometres on the road.
We’ll let the dust settle on this tour, do the books and see what the final expenses are, to the nearest five cents in order to please Mr. Tax Auditor, then make a call.
In the meantime, we’re back on deck in Gladdy town until the next Adventure.
Cheers,
Gb